Hello Mr. Johnson,
I heard your presentation at the Sherman Oaks Library, and I quite enjoyed it. I saw all kinds of possibilities in your honorarium plan, but I see a few flaws in implementing the plan in the State of Michigan, where I have had my neck in the woods for 42 years of my life. You see, I am a Coincidental Californian, here for an extended business trip. I am all for sponsoring three libraries in Waterford, Michigan, Corunna, Michigan and Durand, Michigan, where I have some connections. But I have no idea how to transmit the requisite 3/4 case to lock in the deal.
Plus, Michigan isn't as easy a destination as the LA book fair. You could just extend your stay in LA for the Sherman Oaks booking. So how would you handle the Southwestern Michigan dates without taxing your travel budget? I mean, I've seen Smokey and the Bandit and know how far Burt Reynold's character went for a truckload of Coors. But two-thousand five hundred miles for not even a full case of Rainier. If this is motivation for you, then that is some beer, that Rainier. So I suppose I can pony up the brew on the supposition that some day, you'll make it to Michigan naturally and you can work those libraries in. And then, all I have to do is explain to the librarians that the honorarium is all covered, although I might have to keep its nature secret.
Maybe if we work the publicity correctly this could become Craig Johnson, the Rainier Beer tour, with your fans spotting you a six for every town library they request visited. It's not far fetched. You probably remember those Canadian Club ads where people the world over went searching for cases secreted in Pacific lagoons or peaks of the Banff. On the other hand, it's the exact opposite of the Carry Nation tour of yesteryear, and the plan is going to backfire in the growing number of dry counties.
This secretiveness reminds me of a good joke. A minister of God invited a few parishioners over for a dinner, the purpose of which was to soften the guests up for a big donation. The parishioners knew what was up, so the husband and wife brought over a few bottles of fruit wines, beautiful distillations of cherry, blueberry and even peaches. The minister overindulged, predictably, and he didn't make his pitch. In fact, he begged them for a case of the fruit wines for the purpose of fund-raising and entertaining. The couple happily agreed, with only one catch. The minister agreed to it: he had to acknowledge the gift in the Sunday bulletin. So next Sunday, the bulletin read.
I wish to acknowledge the gift of fruit, and the spirit in which it was given.
Sorry about calling your beautiful and spirited wife a merch-girl. Thems fighting words in Wyoming, I'm reckoning. I cleaned it up quick as soon as I knew the connection was matrimonial. I'll mind my manners next time, sir.
--
Wandering Wilbo
Craig Allen Johnson, the Faulkner of Absaroka County, Wyoming
Maybe Rainier Beer is a Rare Brew?
The Patrons of the Sherman Oaks Library Devour Mysteries and Revere Authors who come to speak.
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